i awoke only to find my lungs empty

2009 has been a strange year so far.

On the very first day of it, my handwritten journal was laced with thoughts that something really big was going to happen this year. It's a feeling I've only gotten a few times in my life, but it has always been bang on.

Lots of big things have happened to me so far, things I've worked really long and hard for. Getting the chance to work with the Montreal Canadiens was amazing. It was big. It's a career opportunity that will hopefully develop even more when I graduate, but for now I can only keep my fingers crossed real tight.

Finding a boy that I thought could keep up with me was big, too. I turned out to be wrong, but he had me fooled pretty good for awhile and it was nice to feel as if maybe there was someone out there who knew what I was about and get me to come around. He turned out kind of lame, but I enjoyed the turmoil of emotions and drama while it lasted. That was big.

Despite that overwhelming feeling in January, over the past few months I seem to have completely lost track of it and that excitement over what it would mean.

Fate is something that I grapple with a lot. I find a comfort in knowing that there's a force bigger than me out there, that ultimately decides what happens. It's soothing for me to believe that everything happens for a reason, and all the pieces will fall exactly where they need to be.

Other times, I get impatient with fate. I think it's not moving fast enough, or that it's going about it all wrong. Things are happening but they're not happening the way I want them too. Shit is getting mixed up, messed up, and maybe everything won't fall into place because it's confused. Sometimes I think I should hop in there and give it a helping hand, push it along. I'll try and put myself in the right place at the right time and force it, which completely defeats the purpose of believing in fate to begin with.

For a few months I think I've been trying to hard to make all the pieces fall the way I want them too, and it's not working. Someitmes things don't work out exactly the way I want them to because they can't, but that doesn't mean the way they will eventually work out will be any less amazing.

Spitting coffee out on an NHL player I idolize was definitely not how I envisioned our first meeting. But I interrupted a conversation he was having in the hallway with a mutual friend, he started to giggle at something the friend said as I took a sip of my coffee. I tried, with every fiber of my being, to swallow the coffee. But the sight and sound of a big, burly tough hockey player giggling in a high-pitched manner like a schoolgirl was too much for me and before I knew it, I snorted and the coffee previously in my mouth was now all over the front of his shirt.

Not as planned. But I wouldn't change it for the world.

I need to let go of my burning desire to control the outcome of situations in a dire attempt to get exactly what I want. I need to let it be, and maybe then I'll realize I'm getting everything I want. Maybe I'll realize that I sure don't want what I'm getting.

Either way, I'll learn.