i've known it all my life

The mental impact of a physical injury is 100X more daunting, debilitating, and destructive than the injury itself.

I think I need a break from running.

This time last year, I was cranking out swift and refreshing 10km runs everyday. Now, I look at my training shoes with a form of disdain. I look at the minutes to click off in my training log--40 min tempo, 60 min easy, 90 min steady, 60 min in 10/1 tempos.

Now, I dread running. And after 7 years, I never thought I'd say that. Yes, there were some days where I just didn't feel like running, so I'd take a break for a day or two. But running was always my release. It always calmed me down. I always hit that runner's high, that euphoria--my mind just left. It soared when I ran.

But a double-fractured pelvis and 6 months later, still in constant, aching pain--I can't do it anymore. Running has become a chore. My demon. I beat myself up if I don't do it, but when I do get out there, each step is hard and painful and I constantly feel winded. I tell myself I'm no good. I'm not a runner anymore.

My own brain is defeating me again.

I've taken a week and a half off of running. I just plain didn't want to do it. And I don't miss it.

But I do miss it.

But I don't.

I'm just tired of being in so much pain. Running has given knee surgeries, leg surgeries where two muscles had to be completely cut in half, and a pelvis that was fractured in two places, that will probably never heal the way it should.

But it also gave me euphoria. It used to.

I want that back.