you could turn and stay

Why not?

That's my new motto in life. It's coming after a tough 2 months spent teetering in heartbreak, rehabbing an injury, and just...generally in a bad place. Emotionally and physically. 2010 started off by kicking my ass.

But, so many times I'm my own worst enemy. I become the self-fulfilling prophecy because I always think so negatively, and always assume that things are going to happen to somebody else instead of me. Admittedly, I do chase the impossible. Often. Too often. And sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't.

But hell, somebody has to be the exception, the surprise. Somebody has to obtan the impossible.

So why not me?

I spent the month of January chasing after a boy that would keep giving me just enough to keep me holding on. I hate that. I keep promising myself I'd never do it again, but when it comes down to it...frankly, liking somebody is thrilling. It makes life exciting.

Boys can be real jerks and toy with you. I'm not sure he did it intentionally--he seemed a little too dense to be malicious--but hockey players were never any good anyway. He was fun to like. Unpredictable. It didn't work in the end--it usually doesn't. And it ended the way my past two serious interests have ended--things sort of fizzled out on his end and there wasn't much I could do. But he was fun. I really enjoyed getting excited when I knew I'd see him, or just relishing in the loveliness that is really, really liking someone.

And hey, the boy's gotta fall for somebody sooner or later. Why not me? I'm an amazing catch. Gave it a shot. Didn't work. No hard feelings.

In retrospect, I think he would have bored me after awhile.


There's a lot going on right now that I'm trying to sift through. Maintaining a positive outlook on it all is hard (especially since it's not natural for me). Somebody should have warned me--like really hammered it home--that growing up doesn't suck, but the decisions you have to make do. Because a decision means that ultimately, you are going to miss out on something that you want, because you decided you wanted something else more.

You're still missing out.

I'm moving to Halifax this summer. By all means, I shouldn't. But I need to leave Montreal. I love the culture and history of this city, but it seems so poisonous after awhile. It's time to go, just for the summer.

I get that a lot. Sometimes, I just need to leave. I left last week--went to North Carolina. It helped me get my head right, step back, take a breath, and figure shit out. Every few weeks, I need to pack up and just go.

I'm working two jobs just to be able to cover rent while I'm there, so I can only work one job to cover food and expenses while I'm there. If I get accepted into grad school, I will either have to take out a student loan or defer for a year, just to get the money to pay for it.

But my gut is telling me to be in Halifax this summer. There is something or someone there, waiting to happen to me. And gut instincts never make sense, and often times they put you in a predicament in the present moment.

But they are almost always worth it.

So I'm going for it. Because my gut is telling me that I need to be there. And it doesn't make sense, and it will put me in debt if I get accepted into grad school...but something is telling me it'll be worth it.