feet to the ground

Balance, balance, balance.

The concept mocks me almost as much as fate does. Balance. It is my zodiac sign. It is a phrase I try and keep in my head at all times.

It is also an idea that completely evades me most of the time. Balance. Libra. A scale. What people don't seem to understand that a balance is calm, peaceful--when it's in equilibrium. Knock a balance just so slightly to one side and you're in havoc. When the scale tips, it crashes.

I always succumb to its' clutches, too. I allow myself to get too high, knowing that I'll come crashing down but just not caring. I'll also dig myself so deep into a hole that it's difficult to see the ray of sun that is shooting down for me.

I was elated yesterday when CBC/Hockey Night in Canada called me and asked me to be the permanent runner in Montreal. Running around like a madwoman(much to the amusement of the players) paid off and they offered me the position. It's nowhere near full time--it's just every Saturday--but it's a great start and a great next step toward my goal.

But then today I find out that the job I left in June--the one that was guarateed to still be there when I got back--is actually not so certain at all. When I e-mailed the director to tell her when I'd be returning, she said she'd do her best and keep me posted.

So a guarantee turned into a maybe. Which when you have bills to pay and a loan to pay off, a maybe can literally keep you up all night. Inducing panic attacks.

I've never been okay when my environment is thrown upside down. I can't handle it. In the span of a few days, one roommate is moving out, one is moving in, and I have to give up the room I've been subletting because the other roommate is back.

But roommate moving in already has allllll of her stuff all over the living room. I'm not good with messes. I can't handle them. They literally give me fits.

So I have to give up my room before anybody moves out. Then roommate moves out. Then a few days later, roommate moves in. I will be living on a couch for a month. And for the first few weeks of that month, I will have somebody else's stuff piled all around me.

I want to stay in Halifax. I do. I'm just not looking forward to not having a room, especially since I find refuge in my room. Sometimes I need to shut myself off from everything and everyone and have my own space. I won't have that for a month.

Stress.