when I was in your heart

Saturday is my 24th birthday. On that day at 10:33AM, I will be one year older.

I will also be leaving Nova Scotia to return to Montreal.

I don't want to leave. This place not only feels like home, but it reminded of what it's like to be happy. To feel comfortable.

To be by my beloved ocean.

Leaving. After four months, the crisp autumn wind rolled in and whispered in my ear that it's time to go.

So, on my 24th birthday, I'm going to be leaving a part of myself behind, here. And she'll stay here until next summer, when I can feel alive again.

wasting away again in margaritaville...

It amazes me that four months has passed by without me even realizing it. Somehow, the months of December-March never seem to pass by so quickly.

I'm driving back to Montreal--which I've stopped calling home, if you've noticed--on Saturday. I've been so consumed with thoughts of returning that I completely forgot that this Saturday is my 24th birthday. I had wanted to drive back on that day because I thought there was no better way to end a four month journey of self reflection than to drive back on the day where I get to turn the page and start a new year. One year older and lightyears wiser, but still with a reckless abandon that I think, and hope, I will always possess. The happiest people in the world have mastered that balance between wisdom and complete blissful stupidity.


If you had asked me in June, I would have said that I was coming to Halifax to change. To learn something, to be different. I did learn, I learned a whole lot. But the magnitude of this trip will hit me in pieces, later on. When I react to a situation in a way that I never would have before, that's when I will realize exactly how important this experience was for me. how essential it was, just to be able to grow as a person.

Because that's what it's all about, really. People never really change. I learned that. They just morph into different shades of the same colour. You grow, you shed skin, you sprout new leaves, you just keep growing while remaining the same foundation of yourself. I came here looking for change, and I'm leaving here knowing that it doesn't exist. Thankful that it doesn't exist.

It's funny that nothing typically monumental hppened in Halifax--things that other people would see as a big deal and would justify what I did. My life has never been typical, so I'm not overly concerned about another person's input. I didn't fall in love with a boy this summer. Instead, I chose to believe that there is a boy out there that I can fall in love with. That realization and acknowledgement was a big step for me.

Moving to Halifax for four months was essential to my well being. Getting out of Montreal was essential for my well being. It figures that I've only ever wanted to work in the NHL, and Halifax is one Canadian city that lacks an NHL team. The irony is not lost on me.

But maybe as the months go on, my shades will change and it will make sense. Maybe it won't ever mak sense. Life is about choices, and if we never had to choose between two very difficult things, then we'd never appreciate what we chose as important.

Life is about the constant decisions you make everyday, about what is important to you. Because everyday, you let something go.

This summer was as much about letting go as it was about choices. Letting go of negative assumptions. Letting go of what I think should happen, and choosing to just believe. Believe in anything.

Believe in everything.

People can be compared to stained-glass windows. Although they glitter and shine when the sun is out, when night falls and darkness prevails the true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.

i thought i lost you somewhere

Sometimes I still pinch myself. I can't believe I have lived in Nova Scotia for four months. Four months. I can't believe I actually did it.

When I sit at the harbour, I just try to take it all in because I know how much i'll miss it. I can feel the dread already. Last year, I came here for maybe 10 days total, all broken up, and it tormented me all year. I missed it so much, that I started a monthly countdown until I could go back. Everyday I thought of it--and that was just barely ten days.

Now I've lived here. And I am going to miss it so bad. The little things. the smell of the sea. The neon Murphy's Restaurant sign on the boardwalk. The Purdy's Wharf buildings always in the background. Spring Garden road.

I don't know how I'm going to do it.

I learned a lot about myself this summer. Monumental things--like I actually do want to get married. Since I was 15, I've abhorred the idea of marriage and never wanted to get married. But that was because I believed one type of guy existed--the lying, cheating, sleazy type. But this is about choices, and I choose to believe that the polar opposite is out there. I choose to believe that a good, decent, respectful guy exists too.

It's the theory of duality. If you believe in the evil, by default you also have to believe in the good. You cannot believe in a god without believing in a devil.

And the good? I could marry the good. It's not that I've always hated commitment--I've hated lack of commitment. Being committed to a guy that cheats on me while I remain blindsided is what terrifies me.

But, this is about choices.

Just like I choose to believe that I don't have to put on the short dress, the high heels, the drunk act and throw myself messily in a club to attract a boy. Yes, sometimes I do that. Sometimes I enjoy it. Sometimes, that kind of attention is exactly what I'm looking for.

But I choose to believe that there is more out there.

I also choose to believe that people don't fit into the perfectly labelled, defined boxes that I try to stuff them into. That even by calling someone an "exception," I am classifying them. I am identifying the box they should go into, and recognizing that they do not fit into it.

I choose to believe people are more complex creatures and far too messy to be fit into boxes. I choose to wipe the slate clean. You are a hockey player--you are a blank canvas capable of everything. You are a physics nerd with a wicked passion for jazz music--you are a blank canvas. I am a curly haired girl with a boisterous laugh and a growing renewal of love for life itself--I am a blank canvas.

I choose to be surprised by every single person I meet.

I choose to take it easy on myself. Stop the hate. I am never too fat nor too skinny, too loud nor too quiet, too brave nor too cowardly. I am what I am and I choose to owe not apologies for it--especially not for myself. I choose to hold my chin high. I can never be perfect but I can always be me.

I choose to take a chance. I choose to believe. I choose to believe that a boy can have a good heart. I choose to believe that I can succeed. I choose to believe that love will find me, that fate will always find a way. It might not be right now, I might not see it, but I choose to believe that it's out there, that it knows what it's doing. Because I sure don't know what I'm doing.

This summer was about me. It was like reaching into the mirror and shaking hands with the girl that is in there. Because for awhile, I wasn't sure who she was. I'm still not sure who she'll grow to be, or what choices she'll make.

I just know that I took care of her, by taking her away to a place where she knew no one for four months so that she could grow.

And now, she'll take care of me.

the now or never kind

Life is not logical. It never was.

Life is life. It is not logical. Life does not care if you think something is not possible or not rational. It will smack you in the face with that irrational and illogical thing until you get it: life does not make sense. Stop trying to figure it out.

Sometimes you need to let go of rationality, punch normalcy right in the face, let go, and just trust a feeling.

Because feelings are as illogical, as irrational, as so-completely-not-caring-about-what-makes-sense as life is.

Here's to the night.