It amazes me that four months has passed by without me even realizing it. Somehow, the months of December-March never seem to pass by so quickly.
I'm driving back to Montreal--which I've stopped calling home, if you've noticed--on Saturday. I've been so consumed with thoughts of returning that I completely forgot that this Saturday is my 24th birthday. I had wanted to drive back on that day because I thought there was no better way to end a four month journey of self reflection than to drive back on the day where I get to turn the page and start a new year. One year older and lightyears wiser, but still with a reckless abandon that I think, and hope, I will always possess. The happiest people in the world have mastered that balance between wisdom and complete blissful stupidity.
If you had asked me in June, I would have said that I was coming to Halifax to change. To learn something, to be different. I did learn, I learned a whole lot. But the magnitude of this trip will hit me in pieces, later on. When I react to a situation in a way that I never would have before, that's when I will realize exactly how important this experience was for me. how essential it was, just to be able to grow as a person.
Because that's what it's all about, really. People never really change. I learned that. They just morph into different shades of the same colour. You grow, you shed skin, you sprout new leaves, you just keep growing while remaining the same foundation of yourself. I came here looking for change, and I'm leaving here knowing that it doesn't exist. Thankful that it doesn't exist.
It's funny that nothing typically monumental hppened in Halifax--things that other people would see as a big deal and would justify what I did. My life has never been typical, so I'm not overly concerned about another person's input. I didn't fall in love with a boy this summer. Instead, I chose to believe that there is a boy out there that I can fall in love with. That realization and acknowledgement was a big step for me.
Moving to Halifax for four months was essential to my well being. Getting out of Montreal was essential for my well being. It figures that I've only ever wanted to work in the NHL, and Halifax is one Canadian city that lacks an NHL team. The irony is not lost on me.
But maybe as the months go on, my shades will change and it will make sense. Maybe it won't ever mak sense. Life is about choices, and if we never had to choose between two very difficult things, then we'd never appreciate what we chose as important.
Life is about the constant decisions you make everyday, about what is important to you. Because everyday, you let something go.
This summer was as much about letting go as it was about choices. Letting go of negative assumptions. Letting go of what I think should happen, and choosing to just believe. Believe in anything.
Believe in everything.
People can be compared to stained-glass windows. Although they glitter and shine when the sun is out, when night falls and darkness prevails the true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
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