i thought i lost you somewhere

Sometimes I still pinch myself. I can't believe I have lived in Nova Scotia for four months. Four months. I can't believe I actually did it.

When I sit at the harbour, I just try to take it all in because I know how much i'll miss it. I can feel the dread already. Last year, I came here for maybe 10 days total, all broken up, and it tormented me all year. I missed it so much, that I started a monthly countdown until I could go back. Everyday I thought of it--and that was just barely ten days.

Now I've lived here. And I am going to miss it so bad. The little things. the smell of the sea. The neon Murphy's Restaurant sign on the boardwalk. The Purdy's Wharf buildings always in the background. Spring Garden road.

I don't know how I'm going to do it.

I learned a lot about myself this summer. Monumental things--like I actually do want to get married. Since I was 15, I've abhorred the idea of marriage and never wanted to get married. But that was because I believed one type of guy existed--the lying, cheating, sleazy type. But this is about choices, and I choose to believe that the polar opposite is out there. I choose to believe that a good, decent, respectful guy exists too.

It's the theory of duality. If you believe in the evil, by default you also have to believe in the good. You cannot believe in a god without believing in a devil.

And the good? I could marry the good. It's not that I've always hated commitment--I've hated lack of commitment. Being committed to a guy that cheats on me while I remain blindsided is what terrifies me.

But, this is about choices.

Just like I choose to believe that I don't have to put on the short dress, the high heels, the drunk act and throw myself messily in a club to attract a boy. Yes, sometimes I do that. Sometimes I enjoy it. Sometimes, that kind of attention is exactly what I'm looking for.

But I choose to believe that there is more out there.

I also choose to believe that people don't fit into the perfectly labelled, defined boxes that I try to stuff them into. That even by calling someone an "exception," I am classifying them. I am identifying the box they should go into, and recognizing that they do not fit into it.

I choose to believe people are more complex creatures and far too messy to be fit into boxes. I choose to wipe the slate clean. You are a hockey player--you are a blank canvas capable of everything. You are a physics nerd with a wicked passion for jazz music--you are a blank canvas. I am a curly haired girl with a boisterous laugh and a growing renewal of love for life itself--I am a blank canvas.

I choose to be surprised by every single person I meet.

I choose to take it easy on myself. Stop the hate. I am never too fat nor too skinny, too loud nor too quiet, too brave nor too cowardly. I am what I am and I choose to owe not apologies for it--especially not for myself. I choose to hold my chin high. I can never be perfect but I can always be me.

I choose to take a chance. I choose to believe. I choose to believe that a boy can have a good heart. I choose to believe that I can succeed. I choose to believe that love will find me, that fate will always find a way. It might not be right now, I might not see it, but I choose to believe that it's out there, that it knows what it's doing. Because I sure don't know what I'm doing.

This summer was about me. It was like reaching into the mirror and shaking hands with the girl that is in there. Because for awhile, I wasn't sure who she was. I'm still not sure who she'll grow to be, or what choices she'll make.

I just know that I took care of her, by taking her away to a place where she knew no one for four months so that she could grow.

And now, she'll take care of me.