i'm losing you and it's effortless

Leaving here is going to be the toughest thing I have ever done. Thinking about it gets me so, so upset. I'm mad that this isn't my "real" life. I'm mad that I'm growing up and have to deal with things like starting my career, and only getting 2 weeks of vacation a year. I'm mad that I only made this summer move this year, instead of doing this every summer since I was 18. I'm mad that I wasn't born here, that I didn't grow up here. I'm mad--distraught--that at the end of September, I have to move back to Montreal, back to my parents basement, back to working as a receptionist at a clinic. Back to a life that I realize I hate.

I don't know how I'm going to do it.

I made a promise to myself. I'm going to go back to Montreal and work my buns off and save my money, pay off my car loan. I'm going to apply to a few universities across Ontario in February, for my Master's degree. If I don't get in, then in April, I am moving here. Moving. Starting new. Getting away from Montreal. I hate my life there. I can't do it anymore. I can't work a menial 9-5 job and live with my parents. I feel like I'm going nowhere with my life. I can't even express how frustrating that is. I have my degree. I am passionate and good at what I do. And yet, when it came time to call on all the contacts I've made over the years through busting my ass off--not a single one of them can help me. Not one.


I can't find a job in the NHL. I have applied for everything. And returning to Montreal is stifling. It's a reminder that time is going by, I'm growing up, and I'm still as scared as I was when I was 16.

I really don't know what to do. I am applying for every open position in the NHL, but I'm pretty sure none of the teams even read the online applications. Haven't gotten a single call back. And if I don't get into my Master's, then I don't have a plan. I DON'T HAVE A PLAN. I will coast through life in a mediocre state, working a lame ass 9-5 job that doesn't even require a degree, never achieving anything that I set out to do. Because nobody would give me the chance.

I think I'm going to get back on anti-depressants when I move back. The anxiety and dread is that bad